I have lost my dream. Not that I had one to loss, you see. It is more like I feel like I have Alzheimer's. I am not sure what the dream was. Can you loss something if you are not sure what it was? If I loss my keys, I know "I had keys and now they are gone." At the moment, I am not sure if I have a dream? Maybe I need more coffee, then I'll remember what I was planning on dreaming of doing. I have a list of "stuff" to do, but none are dreams.
- Fix a Bike - sand and paint the thing. It's a friend's bike. I took it with me last summer in the back of my truck and it hot surface damage. I haven't repaired it yet. I really need to get that done. It's been over a year now.
- Find someone to Cut Cards and make magic cards for me. My dad invented a trick deck of cards, and when he died, I inherited about 100 of these decks, which I have sold now and I need more of them. They are a tricky deck to cut though and I need someone who can do this for me.
- Repair my sewing machine. I have my good machine and my sister's machine and they are both broken - I then need to sew these large rip-stock nylon sacks and burlap sacks for my 4-man sack races I do for company picnics.
- Send in my registration for a Fair convention in the fall. It's already filled out, I just need to get it in the mail already!
- Mail two bottles of wine as a thank you to someone who did me a big favor. I had my passport wallet stolen and I needed to replace my passport. A friend of my sister's spent hours in New Jersey getting me a new birth certificate for me so I could then get a new passport, and that was back in March. Time to get those bottles of wine in the mail already. I have the shipping boxes. I have the wine. I just need to label them and ship them off. My problem is - they are really good bottles of wine and I don't want to give them away ...
- Write a letter to Revenue Canada for Tax Exemption of two shows coming up. I hate doing this, over and over, every time I get a Canadian contract, but I have to do this or Canada has a rule called Regulation 105 that states the employer needs to withhold 15% of my check if I don't. So, I need to get this done.
- Complete my taxes for my 2012's return. I didn't record in my QuickBooks all my PayPal income and expenses. It is a huge project and I really need to attack it. My Income Tax Extension runs out shortly. Damn it, I hate bookkeeping!
- Work on publishing my dad's books in a way they will live on in posterity... or is it "for" posterity? Now this is a dream of sorts. Not a dream for me as much as a project I have wanted to do for years now and it isn't going to get done unless I attack the thing and work on it, then eventually the project will come to fruition.
Some how it all seems frivolous. these are not dreams. Dreams are milestones that add up to a full and exciting life. Dreams are the stories you tell of how you got there, what it took, the challenges and the feeling of jubilation when you conquer the beast.
I can't think of any dragons I need to slay.
Maybe I am happy? Perhaps I am content at the moment. Maybe I spend my days enjoying life and I am not in need of any major goals at the moment? Or, for all one knows, I really need a kick in the ass and I need to set my goals a bit higher?
Maybe I really do need stronger coffee?
Piles of paper seem to accumulate all around me. On the floor, on my desk, in boxes - I seem to forget they are around me and I do not take them back out of the boxes, if they end up in boxes - for months. Sometimes, things end up in boxes and they never come back out of the boxes. Business cards accumulate. Contacts, resources, possible clients, follow-up. I am supposed to follow-up. But I don't follow-up. I don't even pump the info into my database where it can age gracefully and outdate itself. It seems to age just fine sitting in piles and in boxes, thank you very much.
Possibly I am doing things just fine. Is it conceivable that I might not need a goal at the moment that is more than my short list of short term goals?
Time to do that PayPal data entry. If I finish that one, then maybe I can pick a goal for myself to achieve - scaling a mountain or accomplishing greatness - swimming to Cuba - not that I ever wanted to swim to Cuba. In fact, I don't even really like swimming. I will do something that gives my life the posterity I deserve along with my father's works ... after I get that PayPal data into the computer.
I might as well go spend another week in Hollyhock. If I do, I'll bring meat with me, or visit that burger joint more often down the street. Why didn't they tell us there was a burger joint down the street during orientation? You'd have thought ... OK! OK! I'll do a month of PayPal. Jeesh!